A Cluff: Addicted to Vaseline at Birth?

This just in:

Recent studies are showing that the product Vaseline (100% Pure Petroleum Jelly) is addictive to not only the one who has sinfully discovered the relief only it can bring- the pure satisfaction of the protection and coverage it provides to even the driest of skin (particularly rashes and chapped lips)- but that it is also addictive to the posterity of the abuser. It is passed on!

While Vaseline may glide on your lips like your favorite pair of jeans glide onto your butt (without flattening it out like all the others), are the addictive properties of this product really worth the orgasmic relief from lips like these?

In her interview, 45 year loyal user of Vaseline, Diana Cluff, had no idea that her long-term affair with the petroleum jelly would effect her posterity. She had no idea that when she started slathering the stuff on her face at the age of 20 that it would create a life-long dependancy for not only her, but for her children and grandchildren as well.

"Its anti-aging properties have kept me young!" she insists, "I'm almost 70 and I get whistled at every day at Goodwill!" Then as a side-note she adds, "Well not 70, I'm only 65, but people tell me I look 40! They ask me why I have almost NO wrinkles at all, and I just tell them it's the Vaseline! I started with putting it under my eyes, then just figured why not the whole face?! And they compliment me about my outfits and ask me where I got such stylish clothes and I just say I picked them up at the Goodwill or Salvation Army! I get the whistles there too by the way... at Salvation Army, that is. And..."

(We were on a time crunch, so thats all we got in).

Her granddaughter, Kaylynn Cluff Muntifering, shakes her head in disbelief and anger as she listens to the recent discoveries of Vaseline properties along with her grandmother's story. Then she begins her confession:

"It was last week, maybe Friday night when I noticed some mild dryness on my lips. Nothing to worry about, just a bit of chap stick and its gone... but not this time. I put chap stick on before I went to bed, looking forward to waking up to smooth lips, but was sorely disappointed. When I woke up I had bumps all over my lips! They were itchy and chapped, and no matter how much chap stick I applied they just seemed to stay the same, if not get worse! My husband didn't even want to kiss me, they were so bad! I called my mother desperate for some advice to get rid of these chapped monsters, and after suggesting everything from chap stick to a home-made remedy from her father, she suggested Vaseline as sort of an afterthought.

"Now, when I hear the word "Vaseline" I always think of Grandma and her shimmery glow, and how I always get a sticky spot on the side of my face every time I give her a hug. Vaseline works on your lips? Well, anything to get rid of these flaps of rawhide I'm talking through! So I went to Wal-Mart the first chance I had and picked up a 13 ounce tub of petroleum jelly. When the time came for application, I dipped my finger in the tub and felt the slimy goodness. had only a moment of hesitation before succumbing to the promising moisture. As soon as the lather touched my lips, all my dreams came true. It was smooth. Gliding. Soaking in. Relieving! At last! I will be HEALED! And then I was hooked. All throughout that day I was reapplying over and over; as soon as I felt the slip fading, I would slather it on once again, thickening the layer of jelly on my lips. Why is the silky sludge so consuming? Its musty smell? Perhaps the beautifully slippery texture? I didn't know. And I didn't care. It was working, and it felt so wonderful.

"Now my lips are almost completely revived. Plumped up and moisturized, they feel better than ever; but the Vaseline remains. I'm still putting it on throughout the day to receive its glossy goodness. And speaking of glossy, it not only keeps my lips soft and revitalized, but it makes a great lip gloss, giving a perfect "nude lip" look. I think I just might use it forever.

"Now that I know that it does in fact have addictive properties, I can stop blaming myself for my guilty obsession. I have an excuse- 'it runs in the family'. And although I have not yet progressed to the point of slathering it all ever my face, I can feel it tapping me on the shoulder. It's coming. But I'm a Cluff, so it's ok... (It runs in the family). And if you're a Cluff, don't try to fight it. It's in your blood."